A thing about Lawyers

Let us reason together. In the frontier days,the legal system was very simple: if you broke the law, armed men would chase you and beat you up or throw you in jail or hang you; in extreme cases, they would hang you and beat you up in jail. So everybody obeyed the law, which was easy to do, because there were only two laws: 1. NO assaulting people (cops an exception) and 2. No stealing.

This primitive legal system was so simple that even the puplic understood it. The trials were simple too:

SHERIFF: Your Honor, the defendant confessed that he nuttered his dog and abused a hotdog.

JUDGE: Did he admit freely or did your tasser misfired like the last time?

SHERIFF: No sir. He admitted freely.

JUDGE: Fair enough. Well, string him up! Next?

The trouble with this system was that it had no room for lawyers. If lawyers would appear in such a court with words like "habeas corpus" , the would have been shot.

So lawyers, for w ant of anything better to do, formed legislatures, which are bassicaly organizations that meet from time to time to invent new laws. Before long, there were scads of laws - laws governing wetering of the lawn, laws governing how to cut your dogs balls and a new name for the process, laws governing the production and sell of fudge, lemonade, girl-scout cookies and so on - and today, nobody knows for sure what is legal and what is not. This has led to an enormous demand for lawyers. Now here is the part i cannot chew; Lawyers do not understand the justice system any better than the rest of us do, but are willing to talk about it in an impressive manner for large sums of money.

In today's legal system, a trial would go like this:

SHERIFF: Your Honor..

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I object! In his use of the word 'your', the witness is clearly stipulating the jurisprudence of a writ of deus ex machina.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY:  On the contrary. In the case of ' Rumpelstiltskin v. the state of far-far- away' , the Court ruled that an ex post facto debenture does not preclude the use of the word 'your' in a matter of ad hoc quod erat demonstrandum.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Oh yeah? Well, Carthaginia delendo est. Capish?

This goes on for several hours until everybody has forgotten what the trial was all about, and the deffendant, who as we speak , is having a ciggarette break with the bailiff in the parking lot, is found guilty of  his  open display of boredom in court. When i grow old, i shall marry a lawyer.

My boot up your.. @ District Court Dkt Cty